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Fan Fiction Fan Fiction Writing Circle



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Pureblood
Slytherin
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Graduated Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 53,380


Welcome to the Fan Fiction Section Writing Circle!

This is a thread where you can help other writers with their works and receive help for your own. Whether you're stuck on the plot, can't develop a new character, just need someone to proofread a draft, or something else, you can come here!


Task

Here's how it works. Say that you've hit a writer's block in the middle of your magnum opus. Just hop into this thread and skip down to the last post. There, someone else should have posted a request for help for one of their works. Offer advice and constructive criticism, then post your own request. The next person who needs help will help you, then post a new request.

Rules

1. All Hex rules apply. Please keep all content appropriate and within the bounds of the PG-13 rating.
2. All work must be your own. Plagiarism is taken very seriously, and if a piece is found to be plagiarized, you will face time in Azkaban and possibly be expelled.
3. You must offer constructive criticism
BEFORE posting your own piece. "It looks good," "I don't have any suggestions," and other statements along those lines are not acceptable. Your response must show that you put in time and effort. If the previous poster did not provide a piece for critique, you may skip this. The minimum length of a critique is 200 words. No maximum.
4. If you would like assistance, you
MUST provide a written piece. This is not the place for comments like "I need a plot" for an unwritten piece.
5. You may not post an entire fiction and ask for a critique, unless it is a one-shot. If you wish for the whole thing to be reviewed, you must post it chapter by chapter following the rules above.
6. You may post your piece of writing directly, or provide a link to it. If it's a long piece, a link is preferred.
7. Despite the name of the writing circle, your piece does not have to be fanfiction.
8. You may only have one active request at a time. If your request has not been answered, you may cancel it and post a new one. Only the very last post is eligible for review.
9. If you wish to thank your critiquer or discuss the critique, please do it in owls, not here.
10. You may not link to other sites to direct people to your work. Anything you want a critique of must be posted on HEX, either directly in this thread or in a published fiction.

Breaking any of these rules is grounds for suspension from the writing circle. This means you will not be allowed to ask others for help in this thread until your suspension is over. Breaking the rules multiple times may result in a ban from the writing circle.

Prizes
Your critiques may earn you up to 4 tickets to the Fan Fiction Monthly Raffle per critique, with up to a maximum limit of 20 tickets earned.


Questions, comments, or concerns about this should be addressed to the Fan Fiction Moderators, Jenni, Desiree, Jiae, Maria Ana, Rachel, Rii, or James.

[color=white]Edited by Vievelynn
 

Muggle Born
Ravenclaw
Walk the woods like a predator, speak to savages as if you were one of them.
6th year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 25
Posts: 5,653
Since no one has posted anything yet, I can't critique. But I'll be happy to critique as people DO post...?

This was one of my posts from the last QD match (first of the season, us Raviez vs. Hufflepuff.) It scored high (13, I think?) but it couldn't hurt to find out what I can improve on. ^_^




Sweet bearded dragons! This is insane!

Being Keeper in the match was like listening to a sports radio broadcast, only with everyone trying to kill each other. I guess it can't be Murder Mystery theatre since everyone would know who did it.

The wind was a menacing scream in her ears, like a Windigo chasing after her with its icy breath and poised talons. Unable to see as the blisteringly cold wind lashed her forehead, Silica squinted her teary eyes and tried to hold fast at her place in front of Ravenclaw's golden goal posts.

Gee, this isn't hard at all, she thought sarcastically as a gust of wind clawed at her helmet.

It was difficult to make out who currently had possession, and as she looked, her gaze was snagged by the sight of billowing blue robes and a pale face.

"Elia?!" she blurted out in confused surprise. In that moment she lost her focus on controlling her broom and it jerked violently in the wind, almost unseating her.

Steadying herself, Silica glanced wildly around the surrounding field, but there was no Elia. Instead, Silica spotted a flashing blue banner in the stands, its silver bird emblem waving merrily. How she had mistaken the emblem for Elia's pale face, Silica wasn't sure, but it was discouraging. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she wondered for the hundredth time since school started where on earth he had vanished to.

There was no time to think about it now, though. Pushing it out of her mind, she focused on the colorful figures darting about in the vortexes of leaves. It was like watching insects fight over a bread crumb, or ants on an ice cream cone.

A crunchy, golden leaf flew right into Silica's mouth and she spat it out with a disgruntled caveman sound.

"Gross," she mumbled flatly.

A Hufflepuff suddenly emerged from the chaos and charged at Silica with a rum-colored orb nestled in one protective arm. Rather than shooting the Quaffle at Silica, however, the girl screeched something about blue feathers, jam, and Muggle Disney icon Miley Cyrus.

Silica scoffed, "Blue feathers? Is your brain in a jar somewhere? We're eagles, and we have been known throughout history to PREY ON BADGERS!"

As the Hufflepuff whipped the ball at her, the Quaffle soared in a strange, sideways arc, caught in the fierce gusts, no doubt. It came at her not directly but from above and to one side.

Just like a Frisbee! Silica thought with a laugh. Like a pudgy, brick-colored Frisbee.

She didn't even have to move from her spot. Silica simply put up one arm, and as the Quaffle planted itself into her chest, she sank her mighty Ravenclaw talons into the Quaffle's fine leather-flesh.

"Would it be mean if I said that you made that just a tiny bit too easy? Well, I'm about to get meaner. Hot potato!"

Silica suddenly pointed her broom at her teammate and lobbed the ball toward Celia.


+1 ticket

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Ravenclaw
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 13
Hey StarNiteLights! First let me say, go Raviez! With posts like these, we may go undefeated! I feel a little silly critiquing you considering I'm not a great writer but here it goes anyway.

You're very good a painting a picture. You use very colorful diction which makes it easy to read. Everything flows really well, even though it's very random and sporadic, if that makes sense. You also do a wonderful job of spacing out the paragraphs. Too long of paragraphs can make it a little more difficult to read, which is something I am very guilty of. Your post is fun, humorous, and very readable.

Some of the things are a bit lost on me being new to the site (Elia, jam, and the Miley Cyrus thing), but I'm sure it would make sense to most people reading it. Also, I'm not sure how the QD post are supposed to read, but I would have liked a little more on the actual action. Again, this may be the appropriate amount for QD posts though. I also realize that there's only so much detail you can do with being a keeper. Maybe try describing others action post but from your own point of view. Besides that, I love it! You're a great writer and can't wait to see more from you!


Ok well here's the link to mine. I'm pretty new to writing so whoever reads it, just know that it still needs a lot of work. This is the second chapter from my fanfic I'm writing. the first chapter is a mess and I have to redo it, so I'm putting the second for review on here. If you want a summary of the first chapter before you read it just owl me. Thanks!

http://www.hexrpg.com/fanfiction/story.php?id=3809&view=7916

+3 tickets

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Hufflepuff
Where's Moaning Myrtle? I saved her my last newt, and she hasn't turned up?
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 32
Posts: 47
Its a good story and the stream of consciousness is particularly good,

I like the idea of an alternate history, its a good theme to explore...

but there are a couple of contextual flaws, even though it is set in a world where severus snape married lilly evans instead of james potter maybe ? For snape it is out of character to do something evil unless he believes that it is necessary, and all the evil he does, he does to save the world, surely his own son would know that? Hermiones parents are wealthy muggles, both dentists, not poor. and why do hermione and ron speak as though they know each other when they first met on the hogwarts express?

There are a couple of typos a handful of sentences that need to be revised and some punctuation missing, so you need to sit back and proof read it.

But don't be dismayed, it was great to read, based on a great premise, and it wont take much
work to take it from good to awesome !

I can't figure out how to read this without paying for it. So this is being removed.

No tickets awarded since the length of the critique doesn't meet the minimum requirement in the rules. ~Alisyn


Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Pureblood
Hufflepuff
Ladies of Hufflepuff, check out the Hufflepuff Girls' Dorm!
2nd year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 16
Posts: 2,811
Well..since the book was on Amazon, I couldn't really figure out how to read it...
Here is my new fanfiction! It only has one chapter in it right now, but can you tell me what you think?
http://www.hexrpg.com/fanfiction/story.php?id=3816

+1 ticket

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Slytherin
In dreams, we enter a world thatís entirely our own- Dumbledore
6th year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 24
Posts: 743
It is a very good story, it really catches the eye as it's a "untold story " which is always a fun topic for the writer and reader.

But I thought of something that might help more inexperienced readers in these topics . Your story just starts off out of the blue which is okay but it might confuse readers, so a pointer might be to involve a bit of what was happened before the point of which the characters of your story where kidnapped by the death eaters. Also to clue readers as to when this happened you can write it from Harry's point of view that way readers know when about it was happening so for example "While so and so was doing whatever Harry was doing this" But breaking it up by different points of view . Just a thought hope it helps

No tickets awarded for not meeting the requirements.

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Slytherin
In dreams, we enter a world thatís entirely our own- Dumbledore
6th year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 24
Posts: 743
O/////o sorry I misread what you wanted am I still allowed to post the story or no?
 

Pureblood
Slytherin
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Graduated Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 53,380
In the interests of fairness, you cannot post a story unless you write a valid critique.
 

Pureblood
Hufflepuff
Ladies of Hufflepuff, check out the Hufflepuff Girls' Dorm!
2nd year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 16
Posts: 2,811
Well in that case my post would be invalid as well...
 

Mixed Blood
Ravenclaw
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 13
Quote: Ygdjh
Well..since the book was on Amazon, I couldn't really figure out how to read it...
Here is my new fanfiction! It only has one chapter in it right now, but can you tell me what you think?
http://www.hexrpg.com/fanfiction/story.php?id=3816

+1 ticket



I like the concept. It's kind of a HP meets Maze Runner. You do a very good job of individualizing each character's point of view. I feel you were especially good at getting into Draco's mind. His train of thought matches almost perfectly with his broken spirit at the end of THBP. I like how you are using more of the supporting characters from the series as well. Doing chapters from Luna's POV could be a lot of fun.

The one thing I don't like though, is how short the chapters are. They only take about a minute to read so they're over before you can really get into it. When chapters are fairly short, it can be hard to really more detailed information about the problem or character's thoughts. Maybe try doing the entire chapter in once person's POV rather than breaking it up into two people. There are a few grammar errors as well, but not so much that it takes away from the reading experience. Just make sure to proof read through your work an extra time before you finish. I can't complain though, as I do the exact same thing. Haha

Keep up the good work and the best advice I can give is to just have fun with it. That's the best part of writing fanfic. When you are having fun as a writer, it tends to be portrayed in your writing. Good luck and I hope to see more soon!



If anybody would be so kind as to review this chapter, it would be a real help!

http://www.hexrpg.com/fanfiction/story.php?id=3809&view=7922

+3 tickets

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Slytherin
In dreams, we enter a world thatís entirely our own- Dumbledore
6th year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 24
Posts: 743
@JWEST31

I really enjoyed the story , it takes place at a different time but it's still in the same setting which is always nice. I think the fact that you changed the time of when the golden trio era of students entered in the year of Snapes rein as Headmaster is brilliant, it makes for some new and exciting adventures and I'm sure alot of people are looking forward to reading it

No tickets awarded for not meeting the requirements. Writing piece removed for not submitting a valid critique.

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Ravenclaw
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 13
If someone wants to post their work, I would be happy to review it. I'd like to keep this thread going because I know that I'll need help in the future.
 

Mixed Blood
Gryffindor
2nd year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 27
Posts: 4,451
Here is my synopsis for my NaNoWriMo novel. Perhaps, it will be on the back of my book if I ever get it published. Please go ahead and tear it apart if need be - it's my first draft and most likely needs it. I can handle whatever you throw at me.



I don't know which is more painful. Being chained to this wagon's wall, iron cutting into my flesh after being ruthlessly beaten. Or, watching my aunt lay dying as the soldiers ripped me away, when only seconds before I had the cure to save her.

Now, I'm on a one way trip to see the King. Once there, I can either pledge my loyalty to the tyrant, or watch as he kills my parents before doing the same to me. All because I'm a sorceress. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

You're probably wondering how I ended up being forced to join the rebellion's military ranks as their not-so-secret weapon, how my parents ended up as the King's hostages, and why I'm so feared by everyone in the kingdom.

I promise you, it's not a pretty tale . . .

+1 ticket

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Ravenclaw
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 13
@Catori

I really like your synopsis. It is very engaging and definitely does a good job of hooking you in. You give a good mini cliffhanger which makes others want to read on. You also do a very good job of keeping it concise, while still having a good amount of information. I can tell that you have a very creative mind and most likely a very interesting story to tell.

That being said, the grammar needs to be tightened up a little bit. This is especially true in the first paragraph. Pay careful attention to your punctuation. It would look much cleaner if you shortened the first paragraph and turned it into one sentence. Maybe something like this.

"I don't know which is more painful, these iron shackles cutting into my wrist or watching helpless as my aunt lay dying. The soldiers ripped me away and chained me to this wagon wall seconds before I could save her."

This includes all the same information, however it's a little bit easier to read. The second paragraph just needs a little work with puntuation again, but the third is really good. Overall, you did a great job for a first draft. Keep up the good work!


If someone could give me a review of any of the chapters, it would be much appreciated. First chapter is a bit of a mess and needs to be rewritten, so tips and pointers would really help! Thanks!

www.hexrpg.com/fanfiction/story.php?id=3809

Please follow the rules.
Quote:
5. You may not post an entire fiction and ask for a critique, unless it is a one-shot. If you wish for the whole thing to be reviewed, you must post it chapter by chapter following the rules above.

+2 tickets



Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Pureblood
Hufflepuff
11/20/18 JRW xoxo
7th year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 92,331
I love Lily/Severus stories. They always seem to bring up really interesting personalities to characters that I already love and cherish. I think your story is pretty solid for the most part. There are some things that I think will be simple fixes and things that you should consider as you move along with your story/editing chapters.

Overall, the piece needs white space. Utilize spacing so that there are clear breaks between character actions and thoughts. Everything is written tightly together at the moment and that increases reading difficulty. Don't make it difficult for your readers to enjoy the piece. Grammar and spelling don't seem bad. I saw a few places where a solid proof read or two could easily correct some mistakes. But there were no glaring errors that made reading difficult.

Now, on to the heart of the piece! I know some writers don't rely on details and descriptions to move their story along. Personally, I thrive on the little details. One of the easiest ways to do this is eliminate telling words. Instead of telling the reader that a character is scared, angry, upset, etc... show them. Describe the character actions, tone of voice, etc. You also tend to rely on the word 'said'. Such and such said this or that. Said is to be quite blunt, a boring word. Did the person just state what they said or did they discreetly whisper, shout, demand, grunt... I'm sure if you google, you can find oodles of more intriguing words. Plus, it will challenge you as a writer.

Moving forward with your story! I would be careful with how you portray canon characters. Guessing from the interactions taking place, something vastly different occurred during Voldemort's first attempt to take control than the story told in the HP series. However, we do know some information about canon characters during that time. You don't want to stray too far from that without explaining why the change has happen. Maybe it's your intention for the reader to discover that as the story progresses, maybe not. It's just something to consider.

Leaving on a positive note. I think the dialog itself is really lovely. I believe that's where I could really identify with the canon characters as well as learn more about your character. Just be careful not to get caught up only in dialog. Character thoughts and actions are just as important

------------------ Review
This is a year old, but I might use it again for something in the future so I would love some feedback

Too early in the season for this miserable weather, Deputy Robert Jackson thought leaning back into the worn upholstery of the leather booth. Too caught up in his own worries, he jumped at the sound of tinkling bells. The noise was indication that another customer had left. His gaze halted at the door, lingered upon a petite female with sad, downcast eyes. The eyes of a nightly waiter, praying to get home before her child fell asleep.

He grinned at the woman and her firm unhappy demeanor instantly cracked as she returned his soft smile. She was one of the good girlís around these parts. A recent employee at Bixby's, he thought she would have made it out of this town years ago. However, after tonight, that would not be her destiny.

Bixby's Diner was a local establishment, a place for a quick cup of coffee and a bit to eat. In addition, the place held the biggest gossipmongers in town. Bert admired the joint for those very same reasons. One could mosey on by, eaves drop and nobody would be none-the-wiser.

Bert beckoned the waiter, Rebecca he believed, over to refill his cup. This would make his third for the night. He could not leave though, not yet. Jostling about in his seat, the man brushed away stray crumbs of blueberry muffin from the front of his jacket. The outfit was his favorite suit, a brown suede affair with mottled elbow patches. The piece had seen better days and did little to warm the deputyís tired, aching bones.

"Can I get ya a refill, Mr. Jackson?"

He nodded, forcing his body forwards to hunch over the steamy mug of coffee set before him. The ceramic cup fit snug between his palms as he took a deep breath of air. "Rebecca?" he breathed out the name, his voicing sound strained, and infinity times older than his face. The girl halted, her shoulder dipping inwards before straightening. If she only knew, he thought with a quiet sigh. Bert cleared his throat and motioned for the waiter to take a seat across from him.

As if on cue, the last two couples in the diner stood up and exited. Bert stared down at his coffee, wondering if the brown murky liquid had a better way of telling someone their life was about to change forever.

"Do you know what a reaper is?" Bert grew quiet, waiting for her to laugh. "Harbingers of death," the girl supplied her answer, brow raised.

He wished that were the complete truth. Dark robed creatures harvesting souls of the departed. That little story was a half-truth. Reapers took lives that was certain and always had been. What everyone failed to realize was that reapers also decided who got sick. Reapers were a disease. They carried illness and plagues wherever stationed. Today, Rebecca would take over the job. That much Robert had not decided, but he could not change the decision even if he tried.

+3 tickets

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Spirit Straw
Ravenclaw
...Whoosh!
4th year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 25
Posts: 16,285
@Merri Patil:

Okay. So, Merri, you write too? D: How many talents do you have, honestly speaking? Okay. Now, back to business.

I really love the twist that you have ended with. When reading the story, at first, it feels like some kind of western country thriller, or romance.. I mean, it does a great job to give a completely different feel of expectation from the actual plot-twist (the 'reaper' thing).

What I really liked, is the small, subtle changes in behavior, and actions that characterize the persons involved. Such as the light dip in Rebecca's shoulder before straightening. I t makes visualizing the whole scene to be more realistic. Also, the little details like the crumbs of muffin, patches on his jacket; they all work out beautifully into the plot without making it seem as an unnecessary description.

The only thing that I feel may be looked into is the grammar. There are a few places where the style of writing may be modified in order to convey the actual thought.
Quote:
His gaze halted at the door, lingered upon a petite female with sad, downcast eyes.


I'm not exactly confident of my own grammar, but it sounds like it could be written differently.

Other than that, I love the imagery and sense of suspense. I'd love it if you could continue the story..


------Review Please?-----
So, I wanted to write this story for ages now, but I've never ever written it down. I've told almost the entire story to a friend, but never written it. So, when I did write the first chapter, I was very happy. Now, I have plans of re-writing it, only making a short compilation of stories related to the main theme. However, I'm trying to write it as poetry, instead of prose. It sounds weird, right? In any case, here is chapter one, (It's also posted in my portfolio, but I'd love some critique)..

Day-break-

The sunlight pools in through cracks in the window.
A figure shivers, fighting the light.
The body trembles, as the brightness seeps in,
into the darkness, left over by the night.
She opens gently, her windows to the world.
Letting in visuals of a new morning.
But in her mind, it is still night,
Dark and gloomy, a period of mourning.
There's no joy, in life lived alone.
She claims her peace exists in solitude.
Yet when the backs turn, her's slouches so.
And into the darkness, she returns to brood.
Yes, it's daybreak, the birds are in the sky.
The morning has lifted the fog of the night.
And darkness must have been vanquished,
by righteousness's might.
But who will tell that, to this girl who still stares,
at pictures of a world, that's not even there.
Who's still trapped, in the black void of death,
Bound for ever, till her last breath.

---Thank you, in advance.. ---

+3 tickets

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Hufflepuff
Where's Moaning Myrtle? I saved her my last newt, and she hasn't turned up?
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 32
Posts: 47
Poetry review and critique, now this is more my cup of tea.

I am sorry I did not meet the word requirement before, but I hope it was helpful, although I'm not even sure what tickets are! so I'm not terribly worried about that.

Before I begin I must say I really enjoyed it.

The poem works well in print but I think would work better recited as it makes excellent use of oral technique. The rhythm and tempo are perfect for the mood of the poem, I don't think the pacing could be any better, and the punctuation works almost perfectly.

I especially liked your semi ambiguous use of the word mourning where it could have a dual meaning, it's excellent.

There are small things that I would change if it were my own but that is only a difference in personal preference and technique.

Also an occasional punctuation / grammar mistake, although this is poetry so if it's intentional it's fine!

I hope you don't mind me giving it the full English Tutor treatment.

line 4 I would have omitted the last 'the'
line 5 I would have substituted windows for panes - repeating the technique that I mentioned earlier.
Line 6 I would have substituted visuals for visions
Line 7 I would have substituted period for 'cold time of'
Line 9 I would have put 'there is'
Line 11 (possible punctuation mistake in her's)
Line 13 I would have used it is
Line 19 I would have used Who is.

Also punctuation check on righteousness

Overall it reads well and flows, there are a few areas for improvement but it certainly holds water at what I would consider an undergraduate level of technique.

Imagination, content and overall appeal are excellent although I would consider giving it a read through and re-work. It always does good to stand back from a piece and then submit it to a vigorous and ruthless self edit. If you had the heart to be ruthless enough with yourself you could take the best from what is a good poem and turn it into an amazing sonnet.

Hope that was helpful, enjoyed reading it, but as I said i would enjoy hearing it more!


Ok

Advertising published works is not allowed, nor is offering galleons in exchange for real life products. ~Alisyn

+2 tickets



Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Muggle Born
Hufflepuff
Lurk mode, activated.
3rd year Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 24
Posts: 25,006
There wasn't anything to review in the post before me so I guess I'll use the one before that.

@the_scarecrow

Wow. Your poem is really deep. I don't usually read poetry so maybe I'm not the best to review ya but here's what I think anywho.

There was one or two lines that needed to be capitalized at the beginning that weren't. (i think that's how poetry works anyway lol) Your writing seems to be very serious just be careful not to end up sounding too over dramatic. I loved the scenery you created. I felt like I was watching all of it happen as I read it.

A lot of the words and phrases seemed like they would just roll off your tongue and I think this poem would have such amazing rhythm if read out loud. Overall, I was intrigued and would love to read more.


And here's mine:

This was the story I wrote for the Ravenclaw sitewide contest thingy last month. It was first place and I was so happy. Hope you enjoy:


It was the night of the Halloween feast at Hogwarts, but Professor Trelawney would not be in the castle that night. She had made other plans. Under Dumbledore's orders, Professor Trelawney would be attending her very first MAA meeting (which stands for Magical Alcoholics Anonymous). Dumbledore thought it would be best after last year's fiasco that she avoid the feast this year. "Too much temptation," he had said. "I'm sure you agree."
Professor Trelawney did not agree. In fact, she couldn't disagree more. What he was insinuating was insulting and in her opinion, downright absurd. "Sure, I enjoy a few drinks here and there, the same as the next girl but I am no drunk," she thought. She didn't want to argue with the headmaster, though, so she kept her thoughts to her self as he handed her the portkey to Diagon Alley.
Moments later, Professor Trelawney stood in front of a very run-down looking building. It was completely square and half of the shutters were missing. Next to the door, on a well-kept sign that appeared out of place, were some very small words. Professor Trelawney had to squint even with her glasses on to read it all. The sign read:
"MAA
The Road To Recovery Starts Here
A 12 Step Program For Magical Beings
Founded In 1661."
"This is going to be a long night," she said through gritted teeth. "Accio fire whiskey," she whispered under her breath. The fire whiskey flew into her hand and she took a long drawl from the bottle before tucking it neatly into her robes. She took the first few dreaded steps onto the porch and halted at the door. "One more sip for good luck," she thought and this time she nearly finished half the bottle before she stowed it away and staggered through the front door.
The meeting was already underway and the room was filled with all sorts. There were wizards and goblins, house elfs and centaurs, and all of them were now staring at her.
"Ahh, Miss Trelawney," came the voice of the group leader, an attractive vampire named Michael. "Albus told me to be expecting you. Please, have a seat." He gestured to the one empty seat in the third row, dead center. She gave him a sarcastic smile and lumbered over to the crowd, rudely passing over others and then tripping over someone's foot and landing in an old wizards lap.
The old wizard looked startled as she lay there and cackled much too loudly in the otherwise silent room. Others nearby had to pull her off of him and sit her into her seat, only for her to slide off, still laughing.
"Ahem," Michael coughed. Trelawney was only getting louder. "Ahem. Miss Trelawney. If you'd please be quiet, I believe it was Silky's turn to share this week." This time, Trelawny took notice and stopped her giggle fit and whispered loudly to everyone nearby, "Sorry. HICCUP!" Michael gave her a stern look as a small house elf made her way to the front of the room.
"Hello everybody. My name is Silky and I have a problem," came the small, squeaky voice of the house elf.
"Hi Silky," collectively rang from the crowd.
"Hi," she said again with a sad smile. "Silky has been a bad elf, stealing liquors from her master." She started to bite her forearm but Michael stepped in.
"It's okay, Silky. Your master sent you here. You don't need to harm yourself. He only wishes for you to get better."
"Sorry," she looked bashful now. "As I was saying, Silky has a problem. I try to stop but sometimes--"
"HICCUP!" Trelawny covered her mouth.
"Sometimes I can't. The worst part is when--"
"HICCUP!"
"Is when--"
"HICCUP! HICCUP! HICCUP!" Trelawny couldn't help it, she had started laughing again in between hiccups.
Silky looked at Michael with her huge eyes as if saying "should I go on?" Michael had heard enough. He abruptly walked over to Professor Trelawny and grabbed her by her arm and pulled her to the side of the room. In hushed tones he asked, "Are you drunk?"
"Don't be outrageous! HICCUP! Of course not. Are you drunk?" her breath was so hot in his face he felt like she could've burned his eyebrows off.
Michael pulled her outside. "Miss Trelawney, it is my job to help those who ask for it. It is obvious that you are beyond my help. The headmaster will surely be hearing about this and it will be my reccommendation that you are relieved of your teaching duties and admitted into a magical rehabilitation center until you are well. I'll owl him tonight and for the sake of the children I hope he listens to me." Michael slammed the door in her face.
Professor Trelawney glared at the building and stuck her tongue out at it. She then proceeded to The Three Broomsticks for the rest of the night. She'd talk her way out of trouble in the morning, just like she had to last year. She didn't need a crystal ball to tell her that.

PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE RULES FOR CRITIQUES
+1 ticket


Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Pureblood
Slytherin
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Graduated Witch
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 53,380
I would like to remind everyone about the rules for critiques.
Quote: Rules
3. You must offer constructive criticism BEFOREposting your own piece. "It looks good," "I don't have any suggestions," and other statements along those lines are not acceptable. Your response must show that you put in time and effort. If the previous poster did not provide a piece for critique, you may skip this. The minimum length of a critique is 200 words. No maximum.

If your critique is less than 200 words and does not provide constructive advice, your post is invalid for receiving a critique and will be removed to prevent users from abusing this feature to get help for their own works while providing none for other users.

Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

Mixed Blood
Ravenclaw
1st year Wizard
Status: Offline
Age: 28
Posts: 13
@ArabellaMarie

Very interesting. I had completely forgot about Trewlaney and her bottles of sherry. She is definitely a character who doesn't get developed very well in the books. I love stories like these, which expand on the characters Rowling couldn't.

The story reads very well. It is very fluent and the plot fits perfectly as a short. You do an excellent job of providing necessary detail, while still being concise. I like the idea of the story as well. Alcohol is very prominent throughout the books, but the negative aspects aren't shown very often (The one exception being Winky). Alcohol problems are much more prevalent in our world, so I think this makes the story very relatable, as most of us know someone who struggles with alcohol.

I don't have much criticism, as I stated earlier, it is very well written. The first thing I noticed was that you could use a couple more commas throughout the story. Some sentences are missing them, which can detract from the reading. The second thing, is the fact that portkeys do not work on Hogwart's grounds. The last, was that you say Trewlaney takes a "drawl" from the bottle, when it should be draw.

That's all I can think of. Once again, I really liked the story hope you continue writing!

As has been previously noted, you cannot share the entire multi-chapter fiction. Choose one chapter to request to be reviewed. ~Alisyn

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Edited by Alisyn Malfoy
 

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